Inspired by The God Who Weeps

Recently I reconnected with a friend. A friend that's more like a sibling.  He's an amazing kid.  He's come through a lot. He's in an identity crisis. 
This is what I wrote to him, because God loves us more:

Our God is a God who weeps (with you).
God loves you infinitely.
His heart is set upon you, 
   where ever you are in your journey.
Whatever happens, you are never lost.

I believe this with all my heart most of the time.  
The rest of the time I pray mightily to feel found by Him, to feel His love, to feel His tears washing away my tears and the grime of the world.
And in that I am never lost.

I love you G.

Peace

The other day I was taking my children somewhere and zoned out while driving.  (Self-hypnosis?)
This scripture popped into my head:

PEACE I leave with you,
MY PEACE I give unto you:
not as the world giveth, give I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled,
Neither let it be afraid.
(John 14:27 KJV)

I felt the Saviour's love right when I needed it, when I didn't know I needed it.



(Photo courtesy of Wikipedia. Cristus Statue)

Winter/Depression

Depression is an unpleasant part of BP. (What part of BP is pleasant?!)
My winters start in late September, when the days get noticeably shorter and the night is noticeably longer. 
Winter ends some time in late March or early April. 
That's a long time, a long road, to walk on "vile clay" in fog. 
(Each year I hope to beat it.) 

Depression also comes from lack of expression, which is why I'm blogging this.

What depression feels like:

    We Wear the Mask
    Paul Laurence Dunbar, 1872-1906    


    WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.
    
    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.
    
    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

I mostly "wear the mask that grins and lies... And mouth with myriad subtleties."
It's sad.  
It's unauthentic. 
It feels safer than to tell people, "My heart is torn and bleeding.  I don't know if I want to live for another day." 

The truth is hard, even for me, to admit and accept.

So, "How am I doing," you ask. Fine. Just fine. (I'm practised with those "subtleties.")
Are you, is the world, concerned about my "tears and sighs?"  Do you really want to hear it?
How will you respond if you know the truth?

    I smile, but, O great Christ, my cries 
    To thee from tortured soul arise. 
    I sing, but oh the clay is vile 
    Beneath my feet, and long the mile; 
    But let the world dream otherwise, 
            I wear the mask!
Depression also comes from lack of expression, which is why I'm blogging this.

Bipolar

There is a yucky stigma attached to mental illness.  

I know.  I feel it.  

One "manic" day, a few months after I was diagnosed, I decided people needed to know about the diagnoses and my story. I wrote a long email and sent it to my immediate family AND  about 30 other people who were my aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. 

My immediate family would have sufficed. 

Only 5 people responded: 

My mother, my older brother, my next younger sister, one aunt and one cousin.

I really didn't have a desired outcome for the letter--  

Just to get it out.

Most mental illnesses and especially bipolar need to be called:

BRAIN DISORDERS

Here is a short description of bipolar summarized from the DSM:  Bipolar disorder (BP) is a medical illness the affects the chemistry of the limbic system of the brain. (The Limbic System is the area of the brain that regulates emotion and memory.) BP affects the neurons responsible for emotional regulation and so the illness leads to difficulties controlling strong emotion, the ability to bounce back from stressful or traumatic events, and sometimes causes intense mania or depression and lots and lots of other symptoms. 

Yes, bipolar is a brain dis-order or dysfunction and those of us with BP can't alter our brain chemistry any more than you can alter the pigmentation of your skin. 

RE: CREATION

Last Wednesday at exercise group, one of the ladies 
shared a revelation that resonates with me:  

B. said she was thinking about the Creation and how we (women and men) are God's greatest creation. Pondering further, she realized that God is still the Creator...  He's still creating US. She said, "We're being recreated every day through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."  

That's a beautiful truth.

Thank you B.!

On another note: As I pondered on the word recreate, I thought, "Recreation...  Wholesome recreational activities...'Successful marriages and families (and I insert individuals) are established and maintained on principles of... wholesome recreational activities.'  My marriage needs this. My family needs this. I NEED THIS or I can't take care of my marriage and family. Recreation brings you back to yourself and what's really important.
Sat Nam.